One of the most common complaints we hear from many of our clients has to do with not being trusted by their family members. The client is doing the work. They’re staying sober and moving forward. But the family keeps looking for their missteps and not believing the successes. It’s more than frustrating, it can be infuriating.
I know the feeling personally. After my arrest in 2001 and my year-long stint in jail, I was back at school and doing well. I was eight months sober before my incarceration and had achieved nearly two years of sobriety at this point – something I hadn’t had since the age of 15. Still, my father would end nearly every conversation we had on the phone (and we spoke daily) with his usual “don’t do anything you’re not supposed to.” Every time this took me right back to the beginning of my road and made my achievements feel small. I hated it.
Eventually, I mustered up the courage to say something. I didn’t blow up or scream, but I told my father that yes, I know not to do anything stupid by now. I’d worked too hard to get that far and wasn’t going to just throw it all away for no reason. He heard me and understood, but he still uttered those words pretty frequently.
The thing I had to learn to deal with was this – I had screwed up enough times and over a long enough period of time to make it essentially impossible to believe I would ever function normally in society. True, I was only 25 or so at the time, but let’s look at the evidence:
- Nearly arrested at my first job for credit card fraud at the cash register I operated.
- Caught with marijuana over a dozen times in school and at home.
- A tardiness record that essentially amounted to my attending less than half the school year for my last two years of high-school.
- An arrest for shoplifting at school.
- A 5-year drug dealing career resulting in 2 different arrests and a year in jail.
- Being terminated from my first addiction treatment facility for using meth while in treatment.
All in all, I would say that my parents had good cause for not trusting everything I did. The question was – How long would it take for me to regain the trust of those I loved? I didn’t have an answer…
With the benefit of time and experience, I think I now have a clearer picture.
My family’s trust in me did return slowly and gradually, even if they didn’t know how to show it, right from the get-go. My father’s continued reminders were a habit he had a hard time “kicking” much the same way I found it difficult not to use methamphetamine when it was in front of me. My parents had learned, rightfully and over many years, that I was usually up to no good. It would take them a few years to shake that learning and the habits that went along with it. Just as I found it hard not to crave using every time I came across a trigger, my father had a hard time not being anxious every time he spoke to me by phone.
Our clients get triggered to use substances while their family members and loved ones get triggered to feel anxiety, fear, and mistrust. If we want compassion and support for our own efforts in recovery we should be able to offer the same to those around us. They’re in recovery too. They’re often recovering from our misdeeds, so let’s cut them some slack…
